To philosophize is to learn to die

So its been an interesting past weekend. The highlights were of course watching Hayden and David go sub-4, Dom going 7:58, I was pleased with my 4:12 mile (though I know I can go a lot faster), the trip to India Point Park, taking pictures downtown, buying art supplies, getting food poisoning from that damn Indian food, throwing up for 6 hours straight, running 3 miles in the past two day, and to top it all off I am now on disciplinary probation! Well my life has taken some wild turns these past days, during the food poisoning I thought my life was over, and then when I could finally breath again without vomiting I couldn't have been more happy to be alive, but then office of student conduct emailed me and my life returned to that stage where i wished it was over. But as my philosophy professor Costello told us as we studied Nietzsche, theses are the prime years for suffering and all this suffering is only gonna make us better people in the future. So I would give Providence College an A+ when it comes to aiding its student's in their amount of suffering. Way to go PC!!! Well I've written the most sincere and desperate plea for pardon of my probation. If it upholds though, my future suffering at this school might be over, because i can no longer afford it. Running is the greatest sport that centers around dealing with as much pain as possible, but yet I love it. And without it, my life will be more of a mess than it is now, if that is even possible?!?!

Acceptance

I reached acceptance despite not knowing the punishment yet. Well today was much better, I started my day at 6:50 a.m. for a nice morning run with a good Irish lad. So after 5 miles in the beautiful, what I like to call pseudo-spring weather we headed up to our 7:45 a.m. meeting. Which lasted 20 awkwardly silent seconds because one person was missing. The rest of my day was quite enjoyable, short classes, an interview for the sports website/TV show, and then Mass after dinner. It was nice being in church again, I've been away from the church for a while. I don't know why. But I still have faith and lately I've been in a state of merciful prayer. If only some people in this world could forgive like God does. But that's a dream. Today was quite an eventful day as I reflect upon it now (a little past midnight). One final milestone for today was reached with the epic return to the mural. Thats right...the mind is working again, though I must admit it was not much tonight, but for some reason that damn mural just makes me feel alright. Someone once told me it is therapudical and I really believe that person is right. I think I know why I started it, but I'm not sure if now is the right time to say it. But what I can say is that I never feel alone when I drawing in solitude on my wall. Besides how can I with a worm as happy as that!

To the Valley Below

They say there are five steps to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I am in depression right now - I have never had so many emotions going through me and spent so much time holding back myself from crying. At the beginning of the day I was still in the bargaining mode, thinking things were gonna be fine and that I was justified in what I said last night. But the more and more I thought of the demon's face last night as he stared at me and ridiculed me, I realized things are not gonna be fine. Later in the day, I talked to someone who wanted the best for me and he confirmed to me that I had made a mistake. That's when it really hit me. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut!!! Judging from the character of the demon put on display last night I also realized that he will use everything at his disposal to make my life miserable. So now the hard part is just waiting to see the consequences. I am emotionally spent but good news is I had a great 10 mile run in the afternoon! I look forward to reaching the final step of grief, acceptance! Until then ....

Cannon

So this is my first post, I decided to start this as a diary more or less to get all my thoughts out and not bottled up inside me. It is important to constantly check where you see yourself in the grand scheme of this thing we call life. So....tonight my life has hit a milestone! Hooray!!! right? wrong! Tonight I realized words mean nothing in the eyes of society. I honestly believe I looked the Devil in the eye tonight. For those who might not know what I am talking about, here is the very brief and allegorical description: I had a couple beers with my teammates, one loose cannon shot a cannonball and it hit us all in the face, but the cannon denies ever shooting at us, claiming that we lit the fuse and shot ourselves, which is ironic because a bunch of us saw the cannon try to clog itself so that when it fired it would blow up, killing itself. We saved the cannons life and he repays us by shooting at us again! Moving away from cannons, I want to comment on the worthlessness of the student voice at this school. I made an honest attempt tonight to say i made a mistake but believe in the freedom to make your own choice and be your own person and I was told that I was wrong. Somehow this prison...eh I mean college, believes that it can control everything its students do and not give a care about what they are. Some Catholic Institution, huh??