Being afraid of yourself is a scary thing to be afraid of...

This is my final post of 2009. It has been a rough year, lots of ups and many downs. There is no point to list them all, because no matter if they were good or not, tomorrow marks the start of a new year. Tabula rasa! My latin teacher once said that.

Don’t worry about the future, forget about the past, done to many drugs, for those memories to last. - I said that.

I've learned this year to not dwell on the negative things in life. It has been a struggle though, because thinking back even now, some of my best accomplishments through the year were only actions that went with the motions. And that is a shitty way to live your life. Everyday, just moving along, like some sort of hypnotized zombie slave, you never have a chance or the sense to stop and say "is this really what I want right now?".

It is so difficult for me to make new years resolutions, because I feel by the time you hit February you've already forgot what it was you were suppose to do. I do however hope to accomplish a few things this year but they are simply abstract ideas to which only my mind understands, so i will not bother setting them in virtual stone here. But they all center around the ultimate goal of human life: happiness.

One thing that I've become afraid of is myself. I've been kind of onlooking my own life, and I really just need to find stability. Good news is I'm back running and relatively pain-free. I'm living freely as well and it is nice now, but life on earth needs some form of order. Chaos only leads to evil. This is why earth was made, out of chaos came order.

New years eve will be a night of organized chaos with good company and happy vibes. I wish everyone a safe and happy new years!

I really hope 2010 is a better year for me. I really need it. I just need to know that this world has a place for me.

love,
nick

Drink up baby, stay up all night

No more bluffing

Well tonight marked my triumphant return to poker. I came away with a win, so all is quite good in the hood. I realized tonight that poker is very much like life: completely left up to chance. It just so happens that with taking a few chances and praying things work out the way you see it in your mind, you come away with money in your pocket. I've always had trouble with folding hands, because I constantly have faith in so many hands that never truly manage to play out like i hope. Well this is it, I'm done with playing losing hands, I want to win from now on! Just like I did tonight. I think I'm ready to lay down bets and take home the pot.

I also have learned to use temperance to my advantage but i know this may be why i am so self destructive. Luckily for me, I enjoy one of the most self destructive sports: running. I've come to realize that I truly love to run. But I've also come to realize I truly hate to run. I like the pain, anguish, devastation, and also the victory and satisfaction, but sometimes it is all just too much. Lately I've been struggling and I just need to get out of the slump. However, I just have this horrible tendency for haste and overindulgence. So of course my body screams in pain.

I am torn.

How the hell am I suppose to do all this? And for what worth? Pride? Happiness? It means nothing right now. I need something from this besides pain. Since I've left the team, I have no clue how to deal with this. Do I really want to sacrifice hard work and pain for the rest of this year and gain nothing from it, accept for the chance to return to a fucking team at a school that I fucking hate!?!?!

Running is an individual sport. period.

So why do it for people I despise? I should do it for people I love: mom, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. And myself. Its my love, I know I love it, I just need to know why I love it and do it for the right reasons and not for some heartless institution. I only leave one person I truly care about behind, and I pray that if things work out, I can salvage that relationship and talk about the future.

Since my departure, things have been shaky with running. But as for the rest of my life, I have made some great and supportive friends. It are these people that keep me sane and keep me at providence. I've considered many times of quitting, transferring, moving, and leaving all together, but I know now that there are good people on this earth. I found them. They know I'm fragile and understand why, they care and I love them.

THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD IS TO LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY LOVE YOU BACK

This video gives me chills and always brings a tear to my eye. It is that beautiful of a song/performance. Quite possibly one of the greatest lyrics ever written. Thank you Jason Anderson.

Home Again

Home is an amazing place, despite how many things may have changed, the concept of home and its familiarity always remains. Well, last night was quite enjoyable, some wonderful sledding with some wonderful people, sprinkled with a bit of stargazing and warming drinks made it a pretty perfect night. Made me feel home again. Home is also nice because it changes and can exist on multiple levels. I have this unique desire to leave this home I currently call home. Not out of spite or any sort of distaste for my current home, i just need to discover a new home. I need to explore the options the world has to offer. I need to breathe some western air, and lay in the mountains and gaze at the stars - which themselves are homes for completely different creatures. I want to find my own star and live on it, I want it to be beautiful and glittering.

Music of the day: ME! www.myspace.com/littlenick20 I finished recording my newest song "Thawing Out", it is not remotely close to perfect but I don't ever want to be perfect. Ever. So please take a listen, and look forward to more to come!

love,
nick

Winter sounds

Exams suck.
Drawing > Essay.
30° = burrrr...
Snow on Sunday?
Eye twitching,
Wandering...
Acoustic sounds.
Measure for measure.
Ethical treatment.
23 dollar books.
184 dollar coffee.
Poor.
Hi.
Someone.
Hi.
Writing.
Hi.
Play.
Hi.
Sleep.
Hi.
Good
Bye,
nick

Don't try NoDOZ

Tonight was the pinnacle of paper writing for the semester. So I decided to write a blog post about how it went. It entailed 3 papers, total of 19 pages, for three completely different subjects, spanning 7 different books. I realized, I am writing this post in the past tense, but really should be using this tense, the "present continuous", because presently I am continuing to write these monstrosities that are papers.

So far, I finished my ethics paper, an excellent read on virtue, prudence, and human action according to Socrates and St. Thomas Aquinas. Currently I'm working on my Sociology policy paper, and then Poetry is still to come! Very very stressing. But I'm dealing with it by enjoying a study break of a new "Metalocalypse" episode!! (Aka...the best study break ever).

It is amazing how little sleep I can get and still function, but tonight and tomorrow might push the limit. Gonna have to find some free coffee, or maybe just take my NoDoz, in any event, I have a ton of writing left that isn't this blog.

Music of the day:

Don't break on me

Life has been interesting lately, the flood of papers has not fully drowned me yet, I'm kind of doggie-paddling my way through all of it. I anxiously await the end of this torturous semester. Yesterday I graduated from personal counseling, I'm no longer depressed or traumatized according to the doctor, who was amazed how well I've recovered. I've got my secrets but I'd have to say I feel a lot happier lately, despite the end of semester work, but overall I'm trying to look forward to things to come and not dwell on the atrocities of the past.

My mind is sound, but as for my body I think i'm breaking. My right foot throbs in pain and my left has that familiar dull pain. I really hope I don't have a stress fracture! I took today off, but will be back tomorrow, I need to keep running for so many reasons and need to stay motivated and ignore the pain. I really hope though it goes away. Til then, I'm dosing myself on ibuprofen.

Music of the day, Fruit Bats, listened to their entire Ruminant Band album three times today. I love them.

Will you share your coffee with me?

Today was long, and very much fragmented into various exercises of the body and mind. Ran 16 miles with kim, 8 miles was a tempo at 5:30 pace, which went surprisingly well, I felt extremely comfortable and relaxed. I feel like I could have gone another 5 miles at that pace, which would equal a 72 minute half-marathon, so that is an encouraging feeling for my training concerns.

Besides the great workout, today was quite mundane. I skipped work again, hope I don't get fired! Yeah right. One thing I have observed while in the business workforce is that if you have talent at something everyone else lacks, then you also possess job security. Personally I hate office work though, graphic design is awesome, but the small and seemingly useless tasks of the office are very bothersome to me.

Ideally I just wanna live in a cabin in the woods, grow food in my own garden, run, play guitar, read, read more, read everything ever written, then write some more and read it, and maybe even find a wife, lover, or friend to share this beautiful life with.

Idealism is a magical thing, it cleans the ugly face of reality and makes you an individually free being. However, few people ever, and when i say few i mean it in the strictest sense, actually experience absolute freedom. This is why I never try to let things hold me back, though it gets me in trouble sometimes, ultimately it makes me a better person for having experienced a pseudo-escape from society, reality, law, and everything else which binds us day in and day out.

I cannot even enjoy a coffee tomorrow morning, because society requires that I pay $1.93, an amount of money I don't possess. Why can't we all just share things as amazing as coffee with one another, not for anything, just for the sake of enjoying coffee and one another. People no longer love people, they love money. Well I still love people and coffee, so tomorrow I'll find a way to enjoy both.

LOVE,
nick

AWESOME NEW MUSIC FROM ISLANDS - great stuff, Nick Diamond is a genius.

Fate meets the Night: they exchange pleasantries

"But loving someone for what is within them, far exceeds loving only what is on the surface."

Finished my first paper of four this week. The quote above is from my Shakespeare paper, I just felt like sharing it with people besides my professor, because I think it holds some truth behind love. Anyways, this week is going to be an absolute killer. I hope I make it out alive! I am looking forward to Friday already, and hope the weekend can top this past one!

This week was amazing for music, Thursday night I saw Manchester Orchestra and Brand New. Manchester Orchestra really amazed me, not being familiar with them all that much, I was quite pleased with their talent and performance, A+ job. Brand New on the other hand was sloppy and just not really my cup of tea anymore. On Saturday night, I enjoyed some great local music. The band is called Cub and they were absolutely amazing. Their roots are in folk, with brilliant songwriting and amazing harmonies, they delivered a great performance. Check out their music on their myspace (http://www.myspace.com/cubtheband).

Overall, life has been very eventful and quite exciting. I've made some pretty awesome new friends. This makes me happy and hopefully the future holds more joyful times together.

Love,
nick

INSOMNIA

New Film and Movie 50/50 Blog

As promise my new blog will feature a review of a film one week and a new album the next week. Should mean some great insights on the independent film industry and a range of indie bands.

I give you:

Vinyl and Cellulose Acetate