No more bluffing

Well tonight marked my triumphant return to poker. I came away with a win, so all is quite good in the hood. I realized tonight that poker is very much like life: completely left up to chance. It just so happens that with taking a few chances and praying things work out the way you see it in your mind, you come away with money in your pocket. I've always had trouble with folding hands, because I constantly have faith in so many hands that never truly manage to play out like i hope. Well this is it, I'm done with playing losing hands, I want to win from now on! Just like I did tonight. I think I'm ready to lay down bets and take home the pot.

I also have learned to use temperance to my advantage but i know this may be why i am so self destructive. Luckily for me, I enjoy one of the most self destructive sports: running. I've come to realize that I truly love to run. But I've also come to realize I truly hate to run. I like the pain, anguish, devastation, and also the victory and satisfaction, but sometimes it is all just too much. Lately I've been struggling and I just need to get out of the slump. However, I just have this horrible tendency for haste and overindulgence. So of course my body screams in pain.

I am torn.

How the hell am I suppose to do all this? And for what worth? Pride? Happiness? It means nothing right now. I need something from this besides pain. Since I've left the team, I have no clue how to deal with this. Do I really want to sacrifice hard work and pain for the rest of this year and gain nothing from it, accept for the chance to return to a fucking team at a school that I fucking hate!?!?!

Running is an individual sport. period.

So why do it for people I despise? I should do it for people I love: mom, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. And myself. Its my love, I know I love it, I just need to know why I love it and do it for the right reasons and not for some heartless institution. I only leave one person I truly care about behind, and I pray that if things work out, I can salvage that relationship and talk about the future.

Since my departure, things have been shaky with running. But as for the rest of my life, I have made some great and supportive friends. It are these people that keep me sane and keep me at providence. I've considered many times of quitting, transferring, moving, and leaving all together, but I know now that there are good people on this earth. I found them. They know I'm fragile and understand why, they care and I love them.

THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD IS TO LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY LOVE YOU BACK

This video gives me chills and always brings a tear to my eye. It is that beautiful of a song/performance. Quite possibly one of the greatest lyrics ever written. Thank you Jason Anderson.