Being afraid of yourself is a scary thing to be afraid of...

This is my final post of 2009. It has been a rough year, lots of ups and many downs. There is no point to list them all, because no matter if they were good or not, tomorrow marks the start of a new year. Tabula rasa! My latin teacher once said that.

Don’t worry about the future, forget about the past, done to many drugs, for those memories to last. - I said that.

I've learned this year to not dwell on the negative things in life. It has been a struggle though, because thinking back even now, some of my best accomplishments through the year were only actions that went with the motions. And that is a shitty way to live your life. Everyday, just moving along, like some sort of hypnotized zombie slave, you never have a chance or the sense to stop and say "is this really what I want right now?".

It is so difficult for me to make new years resolutions, because I feel by the time you hit February you've already forgot what it was you were suppose to do. I do however hope to accomplish a few things this year but they are simply abstract ideas to which only my mind understands, so i will not bother setting them in virtual stone here. But they all center around the ultimate goal of human life: happiness.

One thing that I've become afraid of is myself. I've been kind of onlooking my own life, and I really just need to find stability. Good news is I'm back running and relatively pain-free. I'm living freely as well and it is nice now, but life on earth needs some form of order. Chaos only leads to evil. This is why earth was made, out of chaos came order.

New years eve will be a night of organized chaos with good company and happy vibes. I wish everyone a safe and happy new years!

I really hope 2010 is a better year for me. I really need it. I just need to know that this world has a place for me.

love,
nick

Drink up baby, stay up all night