Being afraid of yourself is a scary thing to be afraid of...

This is my final post of 2009. It has been a rough year, lots of ups and many downs. There is no point to list them all, because no matter if they were good or not, tomorrow marks the start of a new year. Tabula rasa! My latin teacher once said that.

Don’t worry about the future, forget about the past, done to many drugs, for those memories to last. - I said that.

I've learned this year to not dwell on the negative things in life. It has been a struggle though, because thinking back even now, some of my best accomplishments through the year were only actions that went with the motions. And that is a shitty way to live your life. Everyday, just moving along, like some sort of hypnotized zombie slave, you never have a chance or the sense to stop and say "is this really what I want right now?".

It is so difficult for me to make new years resolutions, because I feel by the time you hit February you've already forgot what it was you were suppose to do. I do however hope to accomplish a few things this year but they are simply abstract ideas to which only my mind understands, so i will not bother setting them in virtual stone here. But they all center around the ultimate goal of human life: happiness.

One thing that I've become afraid of is myself. I've been kind of onlooking my own life, and I really just need to find stability. Good news is I'm back running and relatively pain-free. I'm living freely as well and it is nice now, but life on earth needs some form of order. Chaos only leads to evil. This is why earth was made, out of chaos came order.

New years eve will be a night of organized chaos with good company and happy vibes. I wish everyone a safe and happy new years!

I really hope 2010 is a better year for me. I really need it. I just need to know that this world has a place for me.

love,
nick

Drink up baby, stay up all night

No more bluffing

Well tonight marked my triumphant return to poker. I came away with a win, so all is quite good in the hood. I realized tonight that poker is very much like life: completely left up to chance. It just so happens that with taking a few chances and praying things work out the way you see it in your mind, you come away with money in your pocket. I've always had trouble with folding hands, because I constantly have faith in so many hands that never truly manage to play out like i hope. Well this is it, I'm done with playing losing hands, I want to win from now on! Just like I did tonight. I think I'm ready to lay down bets and take home the pot.

I also have learned to use temperance to my advantage but i know this may be why i am so self destructive. Luckily for me, I enjoy one of the most self destructive sports: running. I've come to realize that I truly love to run. But I've also come to realize I truly hate to run. I like the pain, anguish, devastation, and also the victory and satisfaction, but sometimes it is all just too much. Lately I've been struggling and I just need to get out of the slump. However, I just have this horrible tendency for haste and overindulgence. So of course my body screams in pain.

I am torn.

How the hell am I suppose to do all this? And for what worth? Pride? Happiness? It means nothing right now. I need something from this besides pain. Since I've left the team, I have no clue how to deal with this. Do I really want to sacrifice hard work and pain for the rest of this year and gain nothing from it, accept for the chance to return to a fucking team at a school that I fucking hate!?!?!

Running is an individual sport. period.

So why do it for people I despise? I should do it for people I love: mom, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. And myself. Its my love, I know I love it, I just need to know why I love it and do it for the right reasons and not for some heartless institution. I only leave one person I truly care about behind, and I pray that if things work out, I can salvage that relationship and talk about the future.

Since my departure, things have been shaky with running. But as for the rest of my life, I have made some great and supportive friends. It are these people that keep me sane and keep me at providence. I've considered many times of quitting, transferring, moving, and leaving all together, but I know now that there are good people on this earth. I found them. They know I'm fragile and understand why, they care and I love them.

THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD IS TO LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY LOVE YOU BACK

This video gives me chills and always brings a tear to my eye. It is that beautiful of a song/performance. Quite possibly one of the greatest lyrics ever written. Thank you Jason Anderson.

Home Again

Home is an amazing place, despite how many things may have changed, the concept of home and its familiarity always remains. Well, last night was quite enjoyable, some wonderful sledding with some wonderful people, sprinkled with a bit of stargazing and warming drinks made it a pretty perfect night. Made me feel home again. Home is also nice because it changes and can exist on multiple levels. I have this unique desire to leave this home I currently call home. Not out of spite or any sort of distaste for my current home, i just need to discover a new home. I need to explore the options the world has to offer. I need to breathe some western air, and lay in the mountains and gaze at the stars - which themselves are homes for completely different creatures. I want to find my own star and live on it, I want it to be beautiful and glittering.

Music of the day: ME! www.myspace.com/littlenick20 I finished recording my newest song "Thawing Out", it is not remotely close to perfect but I don't ever want to be perfect. Ever. So please take a listen, and look forward to more to come!

love,
nick

Winter sounds

Exams suck.
Drawing > Essay.
30° = burrrr...
Snow on Sunday?
Eye twitching,
Wandering...
Acoustic sounds.
Measure for measure.
Ethical treatment.
23 dollar books.
184 dollar coffee.
Poor.
Hi.
Someone.
Hi.
Writing.
Hi.
Play.
Hi.
Sleep.
Hi.
Good
Bye,
nick

Don't try NoDOZ

Tonight was the pinnacle of paper writing for the semester. So I decided to write a blog post about how it went. It entailed 3 papers, total of 19 pages, for three completely different subjects, spanning 7 different books. I realized, I am writing this post in the past tense, but really should be using this tense, the "present continuous", because presently I am continuing to write these monstrosities that are papers.

So far, I finished my ethics paper, an excellent read on virtue, prudence, and human action according to Socrates and St. Thomas Aquinas. Currently I'm working on my Sociology policy paper, and then Poetry is still to come! Very very stressing. But I'm dealing with it by enjoying a study break of a new "Metalocalypse" episode!! (Aka...the best study break ever).

It is amazing how little sleep I can get and still function, but tonight and tomorrow might push the limit. Gonna have to find some free coffee, or maybe just take my NoDoz, in any event, I have a ton of writing left that isn't this blog.

Music of the day:

Don't break on me

Life has been interesting lately, the flood of papers has not fully drowned me yet, I'm kind of doggie-paddling my way through all of it. I anxiously await the end of this torturous semester. Yesterday I graduated from personal counseling, I'm no longer depressed or traumatized according to the doctor, who was amazed how well I've recovered. I've got my secrets but I'd have to say I feel a lot happier lately, despite the end of semester work, but overall I'm trying to look forward to things to come and not dwell on the atrocities of the past.

My mind is sound, but as for my body I think i'm breaking. My right foot throbs in pain and my left has that familiar dull pain. I really hope I don't have a stress fracture! I took today off, but will be back tomorrow, I need to keep running for so many reasons and need to stay motivated and ignore the pain. I really hope though it goes away. Til then, I'm dosing myself on ibuprofen.

Music of the day, Fruit Bats, listened to their entire Ruminant Band album three times today. I love them.

Will you share your coffee with me?

Today was long, and very much fragmented into various exercises of the body and mind. Ran 16 miles with kim, 8 miles was a tempo at 5:30 pace, which went surprisingly well, I felt extremely comfortable and relaxed. I feel like I could have gone another 5 miles at that pace, which would equal a 72 minute half-marathon, so that is an encouraging feeling for my training concerns.

Besides the great workout, today was quite mundane. I skipped work again, hope I don't get fired! Yeah right. One thing I have observed while in the business workforce is that if you have talent at something everyone else lacks, then you also possess job security. Personally I hate office work though, graphic design is awesome, but the small and seemingly useless tasks of the office are very bothersome to me.

Ideally I just wanna live in a cabin in the woods, grow food in my own garden, run, play guitar, read, read more, read everything ever written, then write some more and read it, and maybe even find a wife, lover, or friend to share this beautiful life with.

Idealism is a magical thing, it cleans the ugly face of reality and makes you an individually free being. However, few people ever, and when i say few i mean it in the strictest sense, actually experience absolute freedom. This is why I never try to let things hold me back, though it gets me in trouble sometimes, ultimately it makes me a better person for having experienced a pseudo-escape from society, reality, law, and everything else which binds us day in and day out.

I cannot even enjoy a coffee tomorrow morning, because society requires that I pay $1.93, an amount of money I don't possess. Why can't we all just share things as amazing as coffee with one another, not for anything, just for the sake of enjoying coffee and one another. People no longer love people, they love money. Well I still love people and coffee, so tomorrow I'll find a way to enjoy both.

LOVE,
nick

AWESOME NEW MUSIC FROM ISLANDS - great stuff, Nick Diamond is a genius.

Fate meets the Night: they exchange pleasantries

"But loving someone for what is within them, far exceeds loving only what is on the surface."

Finished my first paper of four this week. The quote above is from my Shakespeare paper, I just felt like sharing it with people besides my professor, because I think it holds some truth behind love. Anyways, this week is going to be an absolute killer. I hope I make it out alive! I am looking forward to Friday already, and hope the weekend can top this past one!

This week was amazing for music, Thursday night I saw Manchester Orchestra and Brand New. Manchester Orchestra really amazed me, not being familiar with them all that much, I was quite pleased with their talent and performance, A+ job. Brand New on the other hand was sloppy and just not really my cup of tea anymore. On Saturday night, I enjoyed some great local music. The band is called Cub and they were absolutely amazing. Their roots are in folk, with brilliant songwriting and amazing harmonies, they delivered a great performance. Check out their music on their myspace (http://www.myspace.com/cubtheband).

Overall, life has been very eventful and quite exciting. I've made some pretty awesome new friends. This makes me happy and hopefully the future holds more joyful times together.

Love,
nick

INSOMNIA

New Film and Movie 50/50 Blog

As promise my new blog will feature a review of a film one week and a new album the next week. Should mean some great insights on the independent film industry and a range of indie bands.

I give you:

Vinyl and Cellulose Acetate

If the world ends in 2012....

**NOTE** this blog is extremely jumpy and confusing, decipher from it what you will

First of all if the world ends in 2012 please react in the same fashion as those in the music plug of the day: Bright Eyes' "At the Bottom of Everything". Even upon death take it with cheer and don't regret the past. This is too good to explain my belief in the end of the world, Walt Whitman once said in "Song of Myself":

I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the
beginning and the end,
But I do not talk of the beginning or the end.

There was never any more inception than there is now,
Nor any more youth or age than there is now,
And will never be any more perfection than there is now,
Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.

Urge and urge and urge,
Always the procreant urge of the world.

This is absolutely amazing to acknowledge our unity with all life and times and worlds. We will all return to one form or another but never truly disappear. So those people in your life who you treated unkindly, or completely destroyed a once fruitful relationship will no longer hate you, but will realize your togetherness is meant to be in another life.

Love and caring is what life is all about, over my thanksgiving break i realized this. I also worried as I hung out with old friends whether or not they were truly my friends. So i thought. How many actually "know" me. I realized no 1 friend truly knew me in entirety, that truly takes years and years of being with someone. This is the importance of relationships. The person who you chose to spend the rest of your life getting to know needs to be your best friend. Everything must be perfect and for some reason you need to always be attracted and magnetized to returning to one another. It just takes the right charisma and irrevocable love for the person.

Love,
nick

Drug Rug

I enjoyed a beautiful weekend at home. It was successful on many levels: 1) It reinvigorated my desire to run, 2) Motivated my equally powerful desire to write some more songs, 3) Forced me to spend lots of time alone, contemplating life. Very happy with all three things for various reasons. Plus I received a sweet drug rug from my mom for my birthday. So yes, it was enjoyable. Recently I've become entertained with creating a new blog with a goal of reviewing a movie one week and an album the next week, trading off each week. So please keep your eyes peeled for the first post around the end of this week. The blog will be entitled Vinyl and Cellulose Acetate.

_nick

BTW, WTF Bob Dylan??? But it is actually awesome and hilarious. Love him, plus all money from the album goes to charity.

Happy birthday to me!

Well today (technically yesterday, the 20th) was my birthday and it was pretty average, uneventful, and highly caffeinated. Last night's open mic night was solid, thoroughly enjoyed my buddy Matt Hannigan. So I'm gonna give him my music plug of the day. It was a very late night though, I forgot how to order my life (doing homework at 4 a.m. = bad idea) but I survived. I'm now comfortably at home and enjoying some relaxing hours playing guitar and pondering my life. I'm officially returning to my training plan this week, so hopefully running starts to pick up. I;m really grateful to have people around me motivating me and supporting me, because honestly without them I might just give up. Only b-day presents I received were two books from my mom: Born to Run and a poetry book by Keith Waldrop, who is a professor at Brown and recently won the National Book Award for Poetry, the work is entitled Transcendental Studies: A Trilogy. Really looking forward to reading both!

_nick

Anyway as promised, Matt Hannigan:

Compute this

Computers rule this world. They addict me. They frustrate me. The cause me to lose sleeping time. They are horrible creations that need to be destroyed. Yet we can't. We cannot do it. Is this the problem with the human condition? We cannot live a life not ruled by time and machines and cars and computers? Why not? What happened to living with nature and by nature. Our nature is now made of circuit boards and LEDs. Distractions are all around us. The smart avoid them, the dumb succumb. Not just the dumb, but the curious, the thinkers, the observant. They somehow control us yet still. I hate it. Now as I write on my computer at 3 am. Why? Computers made me do it. I hate them but cannot live this stage of my life without it. I look forward to the day where I can leave my computer and never return to it. That will be the day I have found true peace in my life and my own being. That'll be the day when I am happy. I look forward to that day but fear it is too far away.

-nick

My natural nature

Nature is amazing, human nature is destructive. This is what I realized today on a run. As I ran along my favorite route, I noticed a swan swimming in the water, and to his right a bunch of ducks dobbing in the water, then I heard chirping from the trees beyond. It sounded so soothing, as the light rain drops fell from the sky, these little birds sang there cheerful song. Then came the humming, the thundering boom, the giant airplane. Humans have managed to ruin nature. I turn to my left and look over the providence river and the shore is lined with salt piles, tankers, plumes, and smoke. Its disgusting, making the gray November sky seem like a polluted cloud of smoke. I continued, the plane had passed, the birds must have been afraid, for they had gone silent. Then I heard something nice again, raindrops, raindrops, raindrops, raindrops. Gently falling. Making a shimmering sound, majesty and peaceful. It was nice. I truly believe I may have been the only person to stop and think of these things today but I'm glad I did. Really how important is everything we've made? Isn't the stuff that came before us more amazing?

_nick

The drive, the vison, the sound.

I'm enjoying some relaxing time spent at home. I've been feeling pretty shitty lately so its nice to get away from the thing that was making me sick. I've been writing some songs lately hopefully I can try to actually put some together fully. I've realized that the most important thing about producing something good is having the drive, the vision, the sound. If you know what you want, and know what you want it to feel like for others, then you need to devote time to getting that right. There's no easy way to it, its getting it done, through repetition, through hate, through love, through whatever looking glass you put your eyes to!!!

_nick

P.s. Mason Jennings is awesome, listen to him!

Safe for now

Today was a difficult day, not only have I been rendered pretty dysfunctional from what I call the "head cold from hell", but I also had my judicial hearing today. Things went pretty well though, I managed to not fall apart completely and the hearing went alright. I didn't get expelled, I didn't get suspended, and I can still live on-campus. So the worst punishments were by-passed and now I must deal with the minor ones I have received. Oh and explaining this to my mom - arguably the most difficult. But anyways, once I'm healthy again hopefully training will start to pick up. As for music, still loving the swell season, here's another vid from the other night at Lupos:

_nick

Fall is a swell season

WEEK 1, day 5: 8 miles (56 min)
WEEK 1, day 6: 13+ miles (1:31)
WEEK 1, day 7: 16+ miles (1:51)
WEEK total: 81 miles

Last night I saw The Swell Season play and they were absolutely amazing! By far one of the most beautiful sets I've ever seen a band play. Each song was filled with passion and meaning, not to mention incredibly talented musical parts. Glen Hansard's ability to sing so gentle and also intensely scream at the top of his lungs, while jamming out on his broken-holed guitar was inspiring. The couple of Glen and Marketa Irglova was beautiful on their duet songs. Someone in the crowd took this video of the opening song, it demonstrates the beautiful relationship of the two musicians:

Someday we will be set free

WEEK 1, day 3 - 12+ miles (82 min.)
WEEK 1, day 4 - 14+ miles (95 min.)

I forgot to set my clock to "a.m" and not "p.m" so needless to say I was fucking late to rise. 5 minutes after waking up, I was in the RISD museum admiring the amazing originality and beauty of modern art as it relates to modern poetry. Really amazing stuff. I loved the "dada" work by I believe Jean Arp. It was incredibly simple but effective. The movement essentially was not a movement at all and their art was not art and they were not artists. And thats why it was just a bunch of dadada. Really cool stuff. I also gained a huge appreciation for Picasso's cubism paintings. Awesome collection and hopefully I'll have a chance to explore it even more sometime. Run went well today, felt pretty good but ran pretty easy. As for music, I've gotta go with another Langhorne Slim:

_nick

An Immigrant Country

WEEK 1, Day 2: 8+ miles (59min)

So first I read this terrible article: http://www.cnbc.com/id/33587668

And this is my response to Mr. Rovell:

Did you also know that the last American before Meb to win was Alberto Salazar? And do you know where Salazar was born? He was born in Cuba, and shared a very similar background to Meb. Though Salazar immigrated with his family when he was two-years-old and Meb was I believe closer to 12 years-old, the fact is they both went to school in America, lived here their entire lives leading up to their vicotries at the New York City Marathon (Salazar won three years in a row), and are in fact U.S. citizens.

So why do you degrade his accomplishment and not Alberto Salazar's? The only possiblity I can deduce from your article and apology may be the color of their skin. Salazar: white; Meb: black. You said: "But Keflezighi's country of origin is Eritrea, a small country in Africa. He is an American citizen thanks to taking a test and living in our country." You had to point to the fact he was from Africa, and belittle his great success.

I assume now that you know Salazar was not American-born, you can write-off his accomplishment as well in another article. The last American born victor was Bill Rodgers, winning four times in a row, spanning from 1976-79, since you are really concerned with when an American-born runner last won.

It saddens me that in this country, ethnicity plays such a huge role with identity. Just look at the questioning of our own President Barack Obama's nationality. It illustrates a huge problem with the media and demonstrates an underlying discomfort with ethnicity in our country. Articles such as your own Mr. Rovell only perpetuate and bring to light this problem.

Other than this seemingly racist article my day was pretty good, tiresome, so I'm going to bed "early": midnight. Busy day tomorrow, need all the sleep I can get.

_nick

Good sleeping music and appropriate video because I have a fruit fly problem in my room:

Lydiard Day 1

WEEK 1, day 1 - 10+ miles (70min)

Today was Day #1 of my 10-week aerobic phase and it went well. An easy 10+ miles and a desire to run more was the result. I've officially run out of food in my room, with the exception of peanut butter. So as Lydiard calls for immediate food after running to increase recovery, I was forced to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. mmmhhh... Mondays suck - long and draining. Music plug of the day, Ray LaMontagne, I didn't get into him at first (mostly cuz my mom discovered him before me, I felt defeated), but I gave him a second chance and I'm glad, he's an amazing songwriter with a voice that'll warm you better than whiskey.

_nick

American distance running

Today as Meb Keflezighi was running the final mile of the NYC marathon, I felt overwhelmed with pride and enamored by the brilliance of his performance. He accomplished what no American man, since 1982 could do, and he did against one of the toughest fields ever assembled for the race. Absolutely amazing. The feeling of crossing that line must have been absolutely amazing. After the race, I was rearing to go for a run, and so i did a nice easy 12 miles. That is not even half of a marathon and it got me thinking to just how difficult the marathon is. It is by far one of the toughest events to train for. If 6 months of training for one race isn't putting all your eggs in one basket I don't know what is. Today it all payed off for Meb and he deserved it. I'm in a similar 6 month situation now too (I'm not training for the marathon), well I am but I'm not. I am in the sense of 100 mile weeks, but not in the sense of not running a marathon. But watching NYC today truly inspired me, and I hope one day I'll be running across those bridges, down first ave., and into central park. My music plug of the day goes to Blind Pilot, they're playing Nov. 12 at Paradise Lounge with the Low Anthem, should be a great show!

_nick

Marathon here I come!

Due to a certain turn of events, my training has taken a completely new look. I am now both an athlete and a coach. Though the training is mostly (basically entirely) inspired by the greatest distance coach in the world, Arthur Lydiard from good old New Zealand! I am immensely excited to begin such an ambitious endeavor of training with a HUGE focus on aerobic work. I think things will work great though, because personally I love that stuff! So tomorrow I return to the roads, but only an easy 8 miles, just the beginning of many, many, many, many, many miles. I'm actually feeling very optimistic about these circumstances, and truly feel I will come out strong after its all said and done. I leave you with none other than a great RI band that everyone should check out, The Low Anthem.

Day by Day

I feel like I'm in some sort of non-progressive existence of shock, regret, and sorrow. I can't fall asleep at night, but somehow I fall asleep during the day with quite ease. I'm taking sometime off from running for a bit to repair my broken body, mind, and spirit. I think it should help me, then I have a long time to train and become as fit as possible. Recently I've been into my good ol' folk music, this guy is the real deal, his name is Joe Pug and I saw him at the Newport Folk Festival this summer, truly amazing. He reminds me in his mannerisms similar to a 1963 Bob Dylan, a uniquely genius songwriter. Its all about the lyrics of life that mean anything at all.

-nick

Friends

My friends are too good to me. I've done nothing but let them down. Why do they still stand by me? Because they are true friends. Something that is incredibly hard to find. I am so grateful for them. But I have completely failed to return any favors of being a good friend. I don't know how to right this wrong. I guess what has happened, has happened, and I can't dwell on this like I did last year, but still it kills me the most to know how badly I've messed up my friends lives. I cannot express the comfort in my heart when one of you came by, and it truly means so much to me that you remain by my side. Thank you. I love you. And at the same time I would equally understand for no one to be empathetic to me, because look what I have done! But to everyone around me, I love you. I will make it through this, and I can't thank you all enough for your counsel and love. This is but an obstacle I must overcome. The hardest part of this is not me but my friends. I have no way I can ever repay you, but I will do everything in my heart to attempt to regain your trust. I still remain at a loss for words, but the word sorry. And I know it hard to accept and don't blame you for not accepting it for sometime, but I know all the friends I have will eventually stick by my side. I love you guys.

-nick



"Be Set Free" by Langhorne Slim
Here's the lyrics, they mean a lot to me:

Whether I'm right,
Or whether I'm wrong,
Time will go by, life it will go on
When the light is on your side
Love reveals itself to thee
Then you can, yes you can,
You can be set free

Every garden can grow
Every mouth can form a smile,
Let yourself go, ease your mind for a while
When you're tired, and you're torn
And humankind seems filled with misery
Then you can, yes you can
You can be set free

I'm not an ordinary man
I don't pretend to be
I'd like to be extraordinary man,
I'd like to know peace
When the lights go out, I'm not lonely
It's the only thing that matters to me
I can, we can
We can be set free
We can know peace
We can be set free

Lying Naked

The night you were filled with Fear
I leaned and whispered in your ear
Those three little words that haunted me
Three words i no longer speak

Never said them to another girl
Because they're so damn powerful
They left me there so powerless
Each night from then we'd undress

Lying naked on your backseat
Windows steaming from the heat
I'd always make you feel so safe
But maybe that was my mistake

Sound mind in a sound body

Ok, new rules: I write everyday, no excuses, topics aren't necessary, neither are emotions, art rules the world i live in, show it, expose it, flaunt it, don't back down, never be ashamed, only cry when you can't help it, smile when your happy, hug the people you love, stop worrying about _______, find a way to run faster, laugh, embrace spontaneity, dream, sleep, walk, sleepwalk while dreaming, if a bunny has sex 1000 times it spontaneously combusts, prove it, nothingness, stream coming to an end, waterfall ahead, danger, fall down to the riverBED below.

Love,
Nick

P.s. don't fight.

Don't feel like it.

Nicholas Barao wrote:

 

Sorry friends.

 

Long Time Passed

So it has been an awfully long time since I last wrote anything here, but things have been pretty good so far this summer. Unfortunately I haven't gotten to the beach all that much but the three times I did go were awesome. I love the feeling of the sand on my feet and sun on my body, and who the heck doesn't like the salty air of the sea. It reminds me of all the summer days I spent on the beach. Training has been going awesome, I've taken quite the different approach this summer. I have been relaxing a lot more, not being so neurotic about hitting a certain weekly mileage, and in general just taking it a lot easier on my body. The body needs time to recover and so does the mind. I've learned this the hard way, I think every runner has though. Last week I hated running, and this week I'm buzzing about training. Its like a rollercoaster, no other sport is so love/hate. I love it now though, and lets hope I can keep this going into the year! As for the rest of things, I've been having some good times with friends, done some dumb things I'm not very proud of, and still looking forward to some more good times. This weekend is the Newport Folk Festival, I can't wait!!!!!! Looking forward to seeing these guys from providence:

Good to be back...

Well it is damn good to be back. Over break I realized its really hard to motivate myself to do anything outside of sitting on my ass and being a bum. So I am glad to return to school, to help me keep on running (instead of just long runs) everyday. It is an unfortunate dive right back into things though, 7 a.m. run, three classes, and afternoon run. It still will be a nice return. I feel rejuvenated, which actually reminds me of a story today. There was this guy, homeless I presume, looked like a nice guy though, he was holding a sign and it read: "In need of HELP" and I thought to myself, "don't we all". But then my mom did a beautiful thing, she stopped, opened her window and handed the man a 5 dollar bill. He smiled and said, "Thank you ma'am", and she said, "we could all use the help these days" and he smiled and nodded. This small encounter took no longer than a couple seconds but it touched me. Sharing and caring is my mother and I admire her for it. I am going to try to live this same way, after all me and my mother are most alike. Well I'm going through a huge Connor Oberst phase so I leave you none other than: (I think he says my last name in the beginning)



AWESOME VIDEO!!!

Just like starting over...

This spring break has been well needed and very relaxing. Basically I've been sleeping, eating, running, and hanging with some old friends. Its been perfect. The past couple weeks before break I was on a path for destruction. Now with some rest I've been able to compose my thoughts and emotions, making me much happier. Not to mention my running is going well too! So I decided I needed some change with the mop of hair on my head, so 5" of it ended up on a barber's floor. I like my new haircut and realized after taking a shower how much easier short hair is to manage! Life is good. Well I'm feeling inspired and creative, so time to write some new songs for a possible solo project in the near-future.

K'naan is playing at Lupos April 2nd!!!

Happiest Day of my life this semester!

Today was an historic day in my life. I have made a complete 180 degree turn in happiness. Last night, I was depressed, anxious, sleepless once again, and all around feeling quite shitty about myself. But this evening I received news that I am not on probation this semester and I am able to run outdoor track!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the best news I could ever expected, I almost cried with happiness and shock as I read the e-mail. It is truly a blessing from God! Although I did receive an additional 40 hours of community service I am absolutely thrilled by the fact I can run. This has given me new life for running.

My goals this season are 14:35 for 5k hopefully at Mt. Sac, Big East, hopefully a trip to Penn Relays, and maybe even run a 1500 sometime and try to smash that PB. I cannot wait for this season! This weekend is my last race for indoors this weekend. I'm running the mile. Hopefully I can make the final, but if not I'd love to at least run close to 4:12 and know that I gave it my best. After that, Its time for outdoor (5k) training and I am thrilled!!! My spring break is next week and I am going to make an attempt at my first 100 mile week! It might not be the smartest thing, but I don't think it'll kill me. That that don't kill me only makes me stronger!

Well I look forward to finally getting a good sleep tonight! Tomorrow I'm going to see Brand New play at URI, so I'll leave you with this video, but it is also a dedication to all the people who spoke at take back the night tonight....

So simple in the moonlight

"I don't know what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons have all run away but the feelings never did."

This was the first sad song I sang at tonight's open mic night. I was nervous as anything performing in front of so many people even though half the face's were my friends (or I like to hope they are my friends). It truly is difficult performing alone in front of people, especially when you've been suffering from anxiety. But anyways, I managed to get through my first song "Lua" by bright eyes and then closed things off with one of my favorite songs ever - "I will follow you into the dark". I made a subtle change in the second chorus, which I don't think many people caught but it made a few people smile.

In the end I enjoyed playing again for people, and even though I'm not the best at it, I look forward to playing again. I've been very sad lately, but I'm trying to look on the bright side of life and I hope things will get better soon.

To philosophize is to learn to die

So its been an interesting past weekend. The highlights were of course watching Hayden and David go sub-4, Dom going 7:58, I was pleased with my 4:12 mile (though I know I can go a lot faster), the trip to India Point Park, taking pictures downtown, buying art supplies, getting food poisoning from that damn Indian food, throwing up for 6 hours straight, running 3 miles in the past two day, and to top it all off I am now on disciplinary probation! Well my life has taken some wild turns these past days, during the food poisoning I thought my life was over, and then when I could finally breath again without vomiting I couldn't have been more happy to be alive, but then office of student conduct emailed me and my life returned to that stage where i wished it was over. But as my philosophy professor Costello told us as we studied Nietzsche, theses are the prime years for suffering and all this suffering is only gonna make us better people in the future. So I would give Providence College an A+ when it comes to aiding its student's in their amount of suffering. Way to go PC!!! Well I've written the most sincere and desperate plea for pardon of my probation. If it upholds though, my future suffering at this school might be over, because i can no longer afford it. Running is the greatest sport that centers around dealing with as much pain as possible, but yet I love it. And without it, my life will be more of a mess than it is now, if that is even possible?!?!

Acceptance

I reached acceptance despite not knowing the punishment yet. Well today was much better, I started my day at 6:50 a.m. for a nice morning run with a good Irish lad. So after 5 miles in the beautiful, what I like to call pseudo-spring weather we headed up to our 7:45 a.m. meeting. Which lasted 20 awkwardly silent seconds because one person was missing. The rest of my day was quite enjoyable, short classes, an interview for the sports website/TV show, and then Mass after dinner. It was nice being in church again, I've been away from the church for a while. I don't know why. But I still have faith and lately I've been in a state of merciful prayer. If only some people in this world could forgive like God does. But that's a dream. Today was quite an eventful day as I reflect upon it now (a little past midnight). One final milestone for today was reached with the epic return to the mural. Thats right...the mind is working again, though I must admit it was not much tonight, but for some reason that damn mural just makes me feel alright. Someone once told me it is therapudical and I really believe that person is right. I think I know why I started it, but I'm not sure if now is the right time to say it. But what I can say is that I never feel alone when I drawing in solitude on my wall. Besides how can I with a worm as happy as that!

To the Valley Below

They say there are five steps to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I am in depression right now - I have never had so many emotions going through me and spent so much time holding back myself from crying. At the beginning of the day I was still in the bargaining mode, thinking things were gonna be fine and that I was justified in what I said last night. But the more and more I thought of the demon's face last night as he stared at me and ridiculed me, I realized things are not gonna be fine. Later in the day, I talked to someone who wanted the best for me and he confirmed to me that I had made a mistake. That's when it really hit me. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut!!! Judging from the character of the demon put on display last night I also realized that he will use everything at his disposal to make my life miserable. So now the hard part is just waiting to see the consequences. I am emotionally spent but good news is I had a great 10 mile run in the afternoon! I look forward to reaching the final step of grief, acceptance! Until then ....

Cannon

So this is my first post, I decided to start this as a diary more or less to get all my thoughts out and not bottled up inside me. It is important to constantly check where you see yourself in the grand scheme of this thing we call life. So....tonight my life has hit a milestone! Hooray!!! right? wrong! Tonight I realized words mean nothing in the eyes of society. I honestly believe I looked the Devil in the eye tonight. For those who might not know what I am talking about, here is the very brief and allegorical description: I had a couple beers with my teammates, one loose cannon shot a cannonball and it hit us all in the face, but the cannon denies ever shooting at us, claiming that we lit the fuse and shot ourselves, which is ironic because a bunch of us saw the cannon try to clog itself so that when it fired it would blow up, killing itself. We saved the cannons life and he repays us by shooting at us again! Moving away from cannons, I want to comment on the worthlessness of the student voice at this school. I made an honest attempt tonight to say i made a mistake but believe in the freedom to make your own choice and be your own person and I was told that I was wrong. Somehow this prison...eh I mean college, believes that it can control everything its students do and not give a care about what they are. Some Catholic Institution, huh??